SECTION G – GRIEF

G1.  THE NATURE OF GRIEF

Grief is a normal part of loss. It is the process of letting go and we each grieve in our own way, in our own time frames. There are no time limits on grief - it takes as long as it takes. Grieving is important, as unresolved grief can cause serious physical and mental problems. Do not avoid grief. 

G2.  SUPPORTING OTHERS IN GRIEVING

When helping others grieve, allow them the amount of time they need to process their loss. Be present, be there and create a space where they can be who they are and feel what they feel, without fear of judgment. Let them tell their story as often as they need to. As they move through the various stages of grief they will need people who are simply willing to listen as they talk about their feelings.  Do not tell them to 'get over it', nor do you tell them what they 'should' feel.  As a caregiver, it is important to deal with each person's grief differently, because people grieve differently.

G3.  CAREGIVER GRIEF

What of the grief of the caregiver? By being present for the loved ones of the person who has died, does not mean that the caregiver does not attend to his or her own grief !  This is an important reason for the caregiver to have a support network of people who can be there for them, to deal with their own grief.  The accumulation of grief from a series of losses is an area of great neglect.

No two people have the same emotional attachments to the one who has died, and the grief and needs of the caregiver may be quite different from those of the family and friends of the deceased. However, by virtue of the intimacy of contact with another human being - even short term interactions - there is a loss experienced by the caregiver.

Therefore, although this section is oriented towards dealing with the grief of the loved ones of the deceased, the caregiver needs to consider the same processes and experiences for themselves. For example, there is an ending of a responsibility, an ending of a relationship, and dealing with a number of emotional and practical consequences for the caregiver, due to the departure of the deceased.  These need to be dealt with, and closure arrived at, as the caregiver might carry incomplete grief processes into the next caregiving situation.

G4.  STAGES OF GRIEF

There are a number of emotions - stages - involved in the grieving process. None of  these feelings (listed below) last forever, nor is there any sequence to them. They come and go and may not surface for a long time. They will surface when they need to, or are allowed to. These emotions may not follow in the sequence they are listed in.

1.  SHOCK

Numbness with a physical sensation of a "knot in the stomach" or loss of appetite. Denial is the main cause of this shock and it actually protects the person in the process from the pain of their loss. Shock will occur regardless as to how long the person has known that the loss was coming.

2.  GUILT

"If only ..." is not neurotic guilt. It is the "I could have done more", and "Why did I do ...?".  It is a result of the feeling that the person has failed the deceased - perhaps even prevented death or changed the outcome, or have made them more comfortable, or have told them something which was withheld.  Whatever the rationale behind the guilt, the person needs to be guided towards a place of forgiveness, of themselves. It is useful to remind them that they have done the best they know how, with the resources available at that time - they did not fail.

3.  ANGER

Most unresolved grief is based upon unexpressed anger and remorse. The person is angry at their loss and feels robbed by it. It becomes pathological guilt because s/he is unable to let go of the dead person - there is unfinished business - an incomplete dialogue. Anger will stop the healing process until it is resolved. Refer to the section on Anger - specifically relating to expressing anger through letters and other activities.

4.  PINING & DEPRESSION

The person misses the deceased, and longs for them - their communication and physical contact or presence. They feel hopelessness, overwhelmed, lonely, isolated, and a sense of "Nothing will ever be right in my world again".  The depression emerges due to anger at the deceased for leaving them. However, because the person feels that s/he is not entitled to feel angry at someone they loved, the anger is suppressed, and leads to depression. Once again, the longing and anger - all of it - needs to be expressed.

5.  PEACE AND ACCEPTANCE

This is achieved when the person can remember the loved one without the presence of deep pain - the good, the bad, and the ugly memories - remembering the deceased person as a human being. It is when s/he is able to remember the deceased with joy and laughter, and s/he has integrated the experience into her/his life. Remembering the loved one actually becomes a motivator in their life. 

G5.  SUGGESTIONS FOR HEALTHY GRIEVING

• Accept your grief and all your feelings.
• Stop being brave - be yourself. Stop being a human 'doing' and start being a human 'being'.
• Take time to actively grieve. Set aside a place and time and let your feelings surface.
• Talk about your feelings. Talk often. If you are called upon to be the listener, then listen aggressively - really pay attention to what the person says - and don't expect the person to simply "snap out of it". Allow them the time to work through all their emotions.
• Try as soon as possible to resume a personal routine and activities, such as bathing, eating, brushing teeth, washing clothes, going for a walk, taking the dog for a walk, etc. Learn the difference between being occupied and being frantic. Get a 'normal' routine going again.
• Nurture yourself. Eat properly. Get enough sleep.
• Make it a point to do something you enjoy doing at least once a day. This is important.
• Be patient with yourself and forgive your confusion and forgetfulness. It's okay to let your guard down and just be who you are and not the role you assume that others need you to be for them.
• Get help if you need it. Don't try and deal with it alone. You don't need to be strong!
• Grow to understand you own feelings about death and through it you will discover the meaning of life. What appears to be an exit could be an entrance, and visa versa.
• Memorialise the person you have lost in a way that works for you. Create a ritual memorial for your loved one. Light a candle on Sunday. Say a prayer. Visit a place you both enjoyed being together. Listen to a record you both like. All of this is healthy and healing.
• Talk about your loss with people who are experiencing the loss of the same person. It helps in the healing for both of you.
• Postpone major life changing decisions if at all possible.
• Turn your grief into positive energy by helping others.
• Write to your departed loved one.

G6.  PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. As a caregiver, what aspects of your own personal grieving of the loss of Clients do you feel you might need to pay more attention to?
2. Of the losses that you have experienced (within a caregiving setting or otherwise) do you feel that you are complete with, in terms of the grieving process?
3. Which losses (within a caregiving or other context) do you feel that you have not fully grieved?  Which emotions are not fully processed?