SECTION D – GUILT

D1.  TWO KINDS OF GUILT

1. RETROSPECTIVE GUILT: GUILT FOR 'MISTAKES'

Retrospective guilt refers to the realization that, in some past event or situation, you could have done things a little differently. However, at the time of the event, you did not know what you know now.

2.   POWERLESS GUILT: GUILT FOR BEING SELFISH OR INCOMPETENT

These kinds of guilt are common in caregiving: (a)  The awareness that nothing can be done, and feeling that there must be something that can be done, if only you were a better person, more skilled, more powerful, more convincing, more knowledgeable; and (b) or feeling helpless, lacking emotional resources, being beyond caring, selfish, or angry for not being able or willing to deal with something.

D2.  COMMON SOURCES OF CAREGIVER GUILT

• The inability to ease a person's pain.
• Feelings of anger towards the person you are caregiving to.
• For things said/ unsaid, done/ not done..... unfinished business.
• Putting the person in a hospice/ care facility
• Not being able to spend enough time with this person.
• Wanting to take care of your own needs and desires.
• Wishing the person would die to end the suffering
• Feeling relief when the death occurs.
• Not being the one dying.

D3.  DEALING WITH RETROSPECTIVE GUILT ('MISTAKES')

People often fail to distinguish between:

(a)  becoming aware and learning from 'mistakes', and

(b)  beating themselves up for such 'mistakes'.

The first kind of experience refers to an awareness of choices and knowledge that you were not aware of at the time, and how this can be constructive as part of the learning process. The second kind of experience is actual 'guilt', in the true sense of the word - self-blame, regretting not having done something a certain way, and experiencing anguish as a result.

When dealing with retrospective guilt, it is important to remember that:

"The events of the past  are not as important as what you have done or learned as a result of the awareness of knowledge, resources, skills and choices which were not available at that time".

Many people believe that one 'should' feel guilty for 'mistakes' made in the past. Why ? How constructive is guilt ? Does the anguish rectify or change the past ? Not at all. Fundamentally, guilt assumes that you think that you are perfect - otherwise why do you not acknowledge the fact that you are learning, and that you are human, just like everyone else ?  Guilt is thus based upon some form of arrogance, a belief that somehow you are super-human and all-knowing, at all times. You are not super-human - You are human. Perhaps the same compassion and understanding for the frailties which you apply in the caregiving of others could be usefully applied to yourself !  Could have, should have ... didn't. Learn the lesson and move along.

In dealing with retrospective guilt, there are three basic steps:

1.  Be realistic about yourself and the situation, both then and now.

What do you know now that you did not know then?

What were your emotional resources (e.g., fears, insecurities, confidence), … then and now?

What were your physical resources (e.g., physical strength, fatigue, assistance),… then and now?

What choices did you believe you have, … then and now?

What skills did you have then, and what skills have you got now?

2. What have I learned as a result of that event ? What was the 'gift'?

3. Apply the new skills, knowledge, awareness - get back into action. What did you learn?

Be very clear on the differences between then and now. Instead of beating yourself up for not having the skills, resources or knowledge at that time, be grateful for having gained the new resources, knowledge and skills. Guilt does not change anything - it is a trap and produces nothing more than apathy and inaction. Gratitude for the learning process can only enhance you and those you care for. Then act accordingly. Recognize progress.

D4.  PERSPECTIVES ON THE PAST

"Accept with serenity the things that cannot be changed" and find the" courage to change the things that should be changed."

Forgive yourself for not being perfect. Be realistic and Recognize your limitation in any situation. Do the best you can and know that it is good enough.

Laugh at your humanness. Keeping your perspective that you are first and foremost a human being will lighten up any situation. Keep your sense of humor.

Stop seeing the situation as a form of punishment. Get out of the "why me" or "why not me?". Always keep in mind that you are not responsible for the situation or another persons experience. Illness is not a punishment for something that was or wasn't done.

The Past is a Foreign Country ... People Do Things Differently There. (Source Unknown)

D5. PERSONAL EVALUATION

1. What 'mistakes' have I made in the area of caregiving, and from which I have learned valuable lessons ? What resources (physical, emotional, mental, spiritual) did I not have at that time ?

2. What 'mistakes' have I made in the area of caregiving, which have resulted in me avoiding dealing with that aspect/area nowadays ?
3. What will I need to forgive myself in order to let go of guilt associated with past mistakes in my caregiving efforts ?